Benjamin Kubelsky, better known by his stage name Jack Benny, was an American comedian and film actor who rose to prominence in the twentieth century after finding minor success as a violinist in vaudeville.Jack Benny also had a successful radio, television, and film career. The one thing he was famous for was his comedic timing and ability to make people laugh with just a single expression or an awkward pause. The quotes are sourced from the audio recording of ‘The Jack Benny Program’. Jack Benny would always claim to be 39 years old in character despite his actual age.Continue on this article to know more about this famous American comedian.Famous Jack Benny Quotes(Jack Benny used to play his violin badly, admit if anyone had a lousy show, and had his famous AGES joke with Marilyn Monroe.)Jack Benny began studying violin at the age of six, and his ineptness at it would later become his signature (in reality, he was a very accomplished player). When given the opportunity to perform professionally in live theater, Benny dropped out of school and went into vaudeville.Read some of the rib-tickling and clever quotes from this famous American comedian.“No matter how often I tell people I’m thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I’m that old.““It’s not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.““I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.““Hors D’oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.““Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter.““If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.““Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.““A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.““I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won’t get worse.““Modesty is my best quality.““Try to save something while your salary is small; it’s impossible to save after you begin to earn more."“Lubitsch’s method of direction was perfect for me. He would act out the whole scene — and then he’d say, ‘Now let’s see how you’d do it.’”“When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts, the five-dollar seats are down in front… the further back you go, the more you have to pay."“No comic can be great in films without two things — a great story which gives you a character to play, and a great director.”“A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.““There’s only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.““I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray.““I’m living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge’s Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge’s prices and overlooking the dump I’m living in.““Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.““Gags die, humor doesn’t.““I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian.““Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that’s my kind of guy.““When another comedian has a lousy show, I’m the first one to admit it.““As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.““I’m an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.““I believe in being honest with myself. If there’s one thing I hate it’s when a comedian is great and won’t admit it. I’ve never met one like that, but if I did, I’d hate them.““I don’t want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.““I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.““The doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me except that I have slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I’ll really have a pain in the stomach!““The only way I’ll ever get hurt in the casino is if there’s an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot.““I’m like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn’t like… well, Eichmann maybe.““When you talk about the world’s greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him!““How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice.““It’s a real Strad, you know. If it isn’t I’m out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it’s one of the few Strads made in Japan.““I must be cheaper now than I was ten years ago in order to get a laugh. It’s not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.““We’re a little late, so good night, folks.““Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he’s the most brilliant, honest, and warm human being I’ve ever met. And I’ll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job.““Comedy itself is based upon very old principles of which I can readily name seven. They are, in short: the joke, exaggeration, ridicule, ignorance, surprise, the pun, and finally, the comic situation.“Funny Jack Benny QuotesJack Benny had a successful vaudeville career as well as a successful radio career with ‘The Jack Benny Program’. ‘The Jack Benny Program’ is among the few successful radio shows that also became a television show. Here is a collection of funny quotes from the show.“I went into Claridge’s for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.““When they laugh at one of my jokes… it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]““Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, ‘Who cares?’““I’m happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I’m finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors.““Last time I got a standing ovation was in England when I played with the London Philharmonic. I played the Wieniawski Concerto, and when I finished, the whole audience stood up - and walked out!““I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now.““Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.““I feel responsible for Johnny Ray’s success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.““Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages? Jack: Oh, it’s not that big a difference. You’re twenty-five and I’m thirty-nine. Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I’m fifty and you’re thirty-nine? Jack: Gee, I never thought of that.““Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks. Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks? Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack? Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I’d hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.““Jack: I can’t understand it. On your show, you always win.Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.““Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? “To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.““Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn’t even take a bath.Clyde: Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.““Thug: This is a stickup! Now come on. Your money or your life.Thug: Look, bud, I said ‘Your money or your life.‘Jack Benny: I’m thinking, I’m thinking!““These last 2 miles were rugged, weren’t they?““Jack Benny: Where’s that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?Jack Benny: That star has five points.““Jack: It’s really dangerous, here in the jungle.Clyde: You’re telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.““Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.Jack: I know, but peanut butter?Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy.““Rochester: I think I cut you.Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can’t you tell?““Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?Clyde: General Electric.“Jack Benny Quotes From His MoviesJack Benny also appeared in several films, including ‘The Hollywood Revue Of 1929’, ‘Broadway Melody of 1936’, ‘The Horn Blows At Midnight’, and ‘George Washington Slept Here’, though he was far more successful on radio and television. Here are some of Jack Benny’s notable dialogues from his movies.“I’m Charley’s aunt from Brazil–where the nuts come from.”- Babbs Babberley, ‘Charley’s Aunt’, 1941.“Connie Fuller: It’s Saturday afternoon. I’m taking you for a drive in the country.Bill Fuller: A drive? What do I want to drive in the country for? It’s full of insects.”- ‘George Washington Slept Here’.“Bill Fuller: Connie, why didn’t you tell me about this letter from the bank?Connie Fuller: I didn’t want to bother you, Bill.Bill Fuller: Bother me? It’s just a letter about foreclosure, that’s all.”- ‘George Washington Slept Here’.“Athanael: What are they supposed to be doing?Maitre d’: I wouldn’t know, sir; they call it dancing.”- ‘The Horn Blows At Midnight’.“Man in car in desert: Trouble? Having any trouble?Mrs. Marcus: Yes, and we don’t need any help from you!”- ‘It’s A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World’.“When George Washington slept here, where did he hang his clothes? There isn’t a closet in there. And apparently, he never had to go to the bathroom.”- Bill Fuller, ‘George Washington Slept Here’.“Raymond: Look at me, up in a tree!Bill Fuller: Right where he belongs.”- ‘George Washington Slept Here’.“Say, I wonder if he can sue me for breach of promise.”- Babbs Babberley, ‘Charley’s Aunt’, 1941.“Well, Colonel, all I can say is… you can’t have your cake and shoot it, too.”- Joseph Tura, ‘To Be Or Not To Be’.“Rochester: Is it rainin’ outside?Jack Benny: No, Rochester, I was eating a grapefruit and it got out of control."-Jack Benny, ‘Buck Benny Rides Again’.“Phil Harris: Well, we just got here. You know what Brenda said… this place grows on you.Jack Benny: Well, it’ll have to grow on somebody else!”- ‘Buck Benny Rides Again’.“Ted Nash: Bob, you’re shaking like a leaf.Bob Temple: Shaking like a leaf! What’s a leaf got to shake about?”- ‘Man About Town’.“Jack: I’m scared, I’m frightened.Clyde: Frightened. Why you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever?Jack: No, I just want to reach 40.““Joseph Tura: Her husband is that great, great Polish actor, Joseph Tura. You’ve probably heard of him.Colonel Ehrhardt: Oh, yes. As a matter of fact I saw him on the stage when I was in Warsaw once before the war. What he did to Shakespeare we are now doing to Poland.”- ‘To Be or Not to Be’.
Benjamin Kubelsky, better known by his stage name Jack Benny, was an American comedian and film actor who rose to prominence in the twentieth century after finding minor success as a violinist in vaudeville.
