Chelsea Joy Handler is a stand-up comedian, actor, writer, television host, producer, and activist from the United States.Handler is well known for hosting late-night chat shows. She has been on the job from 2007-2015.Chelsea Handler has a few series on Netflix as well. She is an amazing author and human being. She has a way with words - injecting sarcasm and humor into her writing. Recently, she started her own production house as well. Her quotes will make anyone laugh loudly, so read them below.Famous Chelsea Handler QuotationsRead the collection of famous Chelsea Handler quotes here at Kidadl, including quotes about the sole benefit of being a human being.“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”“My mother told me that life isn’t always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being."“Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it’s all you can do to take a breath? It’s a pain you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn’t want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It’s the pain of being betrayed."“I rolled over and picked up the Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their little Eskimo son, Maddox. ““My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”“Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.”“It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”“I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn’t say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I’d have no friends.”“My father has a high opinion of his opinion”“Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”“Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours of the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch.“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. “Funny Chelsea Handler QuotationsListed below are a few funny Chelsea Handler quotes that will put a smile on your face.(Read some specially selected Chelsea Handler quotations, at Kidadl.)“Just be honest with who you are and if you don’t and end with any friends, good for you.” “Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. ““Don’t choose the better guy, choose the guy that’s gonna make you the better girl”“Whenever I have trouble standing up for myself (it’s happened), I think about whether I would tolerate the situation if it were happening to one of my sisters, mother, daughter, or niece. If it’s not acceptable for them, it’s not acceptable for me.”“When I ever am around kids, it’s always a reminder not to have them.” “We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn’t want any of it for yourself.”“I’ve found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line."“I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.”“It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue.”“What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.”“There’s a reason you never see anyone’s house with a ‘Beware of Cat’ sign. ““It’s not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I’d like to get married too. A couple times."“Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay."“For the record, I would like to state that never in the history of humankind has a woman been told to calm down and then calmed down. We don’t like that”“I don’t appreciate people who celebrate their dog’s birthdays with “dog parties,” and then invite their friends who don’t even have dogs. “Chelsea Handler Quotations About LifeA few of Chelsea Handler’s quotes on life may make you think a little. Read them below.“When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that’s an exclamation point.”“No person is just one thing. ““Sleep is my friend and is the only place in this world where I don’t get into fights with other people.”“And by the way, the fact that she’s not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.”” I had never thought about what life expected from me. I had only thought about what I expected from life. ““The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn’t adjusted the straps since he got them."“Time speeds up as it goes by. Someone explained to me that there is a mathematical reason for this: as you age, each year becomes a smaller percentage of the life you have already lived. ““The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold.”“I learned that adventure is never bad, but the alacrity with which you go through life has an impact on the wisdom that life has to offer you. That slowing down doesn’t mean you have to do less.”” It means you have to pay attention more and catch what the world is throwing at you. That every situation you put yourself in deserves your full attention, and that each of us has a responsibility to be more aware of ourselves and of others.”“I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That’s just a chance you have to take.”“The great thing about rejection is that it doesn’t matter how many times you get rejected. All that needs to happen is if for one person to tell you ‘yes’".“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. ““Everything with me had always been black and white. Life or death. I wanted more gray. I wanted to learn how to forgive.”“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.”“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places… You know when you order french fries and there’s a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you’re alarmed but you eat it. ““Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.”“A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.”“And last but not least, go for it. Go wherever you can afford to go with whomever you can get to go with you.”Interesting Chelsea Handler QuotationsRead this collection of the most interesting quotes by Chelsea Handler.“I define me. No event or person does this. I define me. I decide who I am and how I’m going to behave, and I choose to be better. To look more carefully, to trudge deeper. To think about other people’s past and not judge someone for doing or handling something differently than I would. To understand my limitations, my shortcomings - that is my growth edge.”“Treat yourself the way you treat the person you love most in the world. Get on your own team.”“Death is agony. There is simply no other way to describe it. It is getting the wind knocked out of you over and over again, and just when you think you have enough strength to take a deep breath, it knocks you down again. There is no break from the pain. It is arduous, unyielding.”“Judging other people had become my way of avoiding judgment of myself, and I had to do better than that.”“I read somewhere that in order to be of use to others, you need to clean out your own injuries.”“I had to leave my parents to love them again. I had to move across the country to appreciate that I actually had any pull toward them - that I needed them. I had to get away from them in order to come back to them."“When I get married, I’m gonna register at Bank of America.”“Go after happiness like it is the only thing you can take with you when you die.”“There’s no such thing as luck. Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.”“My dad’s funeral was one of those instances when you’re reminded of what it means to show up for people. ‘The tradition’.”“I’ve learned that many people are just bridges to someone else. Some people become bridges that you take back and forth to get back to yourself. That’s how I interpret self-defining relationships. The people who bring you back to you. ““You should always speak your mind and be bold and obnoxious and do whatever you want and dont let anybody tell you to stop it.”“I didn’t really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn’t work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.”“The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn’t get mad at a golden retriever.”“If it comes easy…Take it twice”“My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn’t the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. ““Whenever you’d go up to her room to cuddle with her, she’d pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.”“That’s what death is like, though. You can’t only cry for two weeks straight. You cry, and then you get tired of crying, and then someone says something, and then you’re all laughing, and it feels bad to be laughing, but it also feels so good. ““I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit.”“Older dogs are special because they have had more rejection. Their hope is gone and, even though no one seems to know exactly how old any rescue dog is, when you adopt an older dog you are cramming their last years with love and giving them the security that comes with knowing they have a home.”
Chelsea Joy Handler is a stand-up comedian, actor, writer, television host, producer, and activist from the United States.
