Why Steven Wright Quotes?Steven Alexander Wright is an American actor, writer, standup comedian, and film producer. Wright is famous for his lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery. Steven Wright released his second live comedy album titled ‘I Still Have a Pony’. The title is a play on Wright’s previous album, “I Have a Pony’. Wright claims that his reason for making a comeback to the comedy world with a new album was that the people in college now weren’t even born or were like five years old when he did his last HBO special.” Like its predecessor, this album was also nominated for the Grammy Award in the category of Best Comedy Album. Read some of the best and funny Steven Wright quotes.What Parents Should KnowSteven Wright is widely known in the comedy scene, having been named one of Rolling Stone magazine’s 50 Greatest Standup Comics.Wright is known for his decidedly dull voice and unrestrained delivery of philosophical, sometimes nonsensical, cryptic, and joking jokes, as anti-humorous and satirical one-liners.He is also a famous comedian on Comedy Central’s 100 Greatest Comics list.What To Talk About With KidsSteven’s movie ‘The Appointments of Dennis Jennings’ won an Oscar.He is considered one of the best stand-up comics of his time.His hilarious one-liners and hilarious, deadpan delivery never fail to make you laugh.Funny Steven Wright Quotes1. “A metaphor is like a simile.”2. “I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”3. “A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back, it said, ‘Wish you were here.’.”4. “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ‘I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.’”5. “I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.”6. “I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”7. “I planted some bird seed. A bird came up, now I don’t know what to feed it.”8. “In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”9. “I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.”10. “When I get really bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.”11. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.”12. “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.”13. “I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, ‘It’s free with purchase.’ I asked her if anyone bought anything today?”14. “It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I’d never even thought about killing myself.”15. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.”16. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”17. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”18. “How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”19. “I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”20. “I’m a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.”21. “Today, I dialed the wrong number. The other person said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello, could I speak to Joey?’. They said, ‘Uh, I don’t think so, he’s only 2 months old.’ I said, ‘I’ll wait’.”22. “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.”23. “Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”24. “What a nice night for an evening.”25. “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”26. “There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”27. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”28. “If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”29. “I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot.”30. “I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.”31. “Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”32. “I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row’”.33. “I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”34. “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”35. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”36. “I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”37. “ Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.”38. “When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.”39. “I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.”40. “I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.”42. “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”43. “Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”44. “I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.”45. “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”46. “I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.”47. “For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”48. “I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.”49. “I saw a bank that said ‘24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time.”50. “My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”51. “If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”52. “I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.”53. “I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.”54. “I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”55. “I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”56. “I got this powdered water - now I don’t know what to add.”57. “My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.”58. “I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.”59. “I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.”60. “Sometimes I wish my first word was ‘quote,’ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ’end quote.’”61. “I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”62. “Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”63. “George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.”64. “My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.”65. “I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.”66. “If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”67. “I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost.”68. “I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.”69. “I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.”70. “I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t.”71. “If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”72. “I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”73. “The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.”Steven Wright Quotes About His Life74. “Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous.”75. “When I was on TV in the ’80s, I wasn’t thinking, ‘There’s a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he’s gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.’ I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they’re influenced by me - it’s bizarre.”76. “I thought I would be a guy on the radio.”77. “I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.”78. “Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written.”79. “I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.”80. “I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics.”81. “I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.”82. “I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.”83. “Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at”84. “I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.”85. “I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am.”86. “I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.”87. “I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‘Boston Phoenix,’ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‘deadpan.’”88. “When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’”89. “I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.”90. “Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.”91. “I paint; I draw and paint - I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.”92. “Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.”93. “There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being - it’s part of my fabric as a person.”94. “You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”95. “I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.”96. “What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.”97. “People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.”98. “I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house.”99. “Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.”100. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”101. “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”102. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”103. “If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”104. “I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”105. “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories”.Best Steven Wright Quotes106. “What’s another word for Thesaurus?”107. “There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”108. “Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal… ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’”109. “Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”110. “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.”111. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”112. “I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”113. “It’s like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”114. “Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.”115. “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’”.116. “I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.”117. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”118. “I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”119. “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”120. “Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”121. “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.”122. “On the other hand, you have different fingers.”123. “I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”124. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.”125. “They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.”126. “My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.”127. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”128. “I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!”129. “I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”130. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”131. “OK, so what’s the speed of dark?”132. “If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”133. “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.”134. “It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.”135. “I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.”136. “How young can you die of old age?”137. “If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”138. “My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about.”139. “I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.’140. “I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.”141. “Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”142. “At one point he decided enough was enough.”143. “I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.”144. “I’m seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There’s no black and white to it. But sometimes I’m seeing it like I’m 4.”145. “It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.”146. “It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet.”147. “I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.”148. “I invented the cordless extension cord.”149. “The things I talk about and explain couldn’t happen - yet, they don’t seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it’s trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.’150. “I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.”151. “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”152. “I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”153. “Hermits have no peer pressure.”You might also likeFunny fall quotesInspirational walking quotesTea and coffee quotes
Steven Alexander Wright is an American actor, writer, standup comedian, and film producer. Wright is famous for his lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery. Steven Wright released his second live comedy album titled ‘I Still Have a Pony’. The title is a play on Wright’s previous album, “I Have a Pony’. Wright claims that his reason for making a comeback to the comedy world with a new album was that the people in college now weren’t even born or were like five years old when he did his last HBO special.” Like its predecessor, this album was also nominated for the Grammy Award in the category of Best Comedy Album. Read some of the best and funny Steven Wright quotes.
